Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself...

Hello!

I'm Madame Bitters and this is my blog Work: Why?

I started this blog for one reason and one reason alone: I need money.

You may be saying to yourself, "Why don't you go out and get a job, you lazy cunt?"

That's a fair question. Here's the answer: I had a job, several in fact. But the man, and by that I mean various law enforcement agencies and society in general told me I couldn't do them. The man said what I did for a living was wrong and illegal and bad and I was placed under house arrest. I now have one of those stylish ankle monitors that all the most fashionable celebrities wear. *

By now, you're probably wondering what I've done to bring the wrath of Johnny Lawman down upon me. I'm afraid I can't go into detail, per my team of attorney's advice. But I will say this:

• Those children who broke into all of those mansions were lying when they said I was the driving force, the "brains" behind their kiddie burglary ring. I did not organize them into a gang of vicious thieves, nor did I give them burglary tools or lessons in "breaking and entering".

• As for the charges that I was running a whorehouse, I can only shake my head in disbelief. It was a hostel for young immigrant women. Just because these young ladies are gorgeous and of questionable character is an unfortunate coincidence for me. I was also assured these women had their visas and were legally allowed to work in the United States.

There are also allegations from various male visitors to my hostel that soon after arriving they were hit over the head with a blunt object and knocked out. These men then go on to say that they came to in a desolate field outside of town, relieved of their clothes and wallets, and other valuables. This is simply untrue.

• I was not impersonating a police officer when I went to the county jail where my girls were being held. I was dressed as cop because I was hired by the station chief to do a striptease to boost employee morale. My "badge" said I was Officer Snatch, for fucks sake! As for the station chief's sudden "amnesia" about hiring me, I can only point out the obvious: that there is a conspiracy against me.

• As for the charges about that dead man in the passenger seat of my car, I can only say that it's not Abuse of a Corpse to dress and fully accessorize a dead body and then prop him up in the front seat so I can drive in the High Occupancy Vehicle lane. It's a traffic violation at most. I also have no idea how and under what circumstances he became deceased.

• That baggie of white powder in my carry-on luggage was to the best of my knowledge only baby powder. At least that's what the man who sold it to me said. As for the syringes, I am diabetic.

The idea, even the fleeting thought that I would organize a gang of Oliver Twist-esqe child thieves, run a brothel staffed by illegal immigrants who were ordered to assault and rob the clients blind and then even attempt to bust the girls out of jail by distracting the guards with a sexy dance for the sole purpose of keeping the girls from testifying against me is absurd!

As are the charges that I killed a man for the sole purpose of using his corpse to be eligible to drive in the HOV lane so I could make a speedy getaway to the airport with the intent of escaping justice and the accusation that I shoot heroin on occasion is ridiculous!

As OJ Simpson, another wrongly accused and legally persecuted individual said, "I am 100% Not Guilty." All of these charges will be answered and explained in court.

Until then, I have no money and many, many bills to pay. Including: lawyer bills, liquor delivery bills, lawyer bills, the rental on my ankle monitor, lawyer bills, the "Deals on Wheels" delivery guy, lawyer bills, QVC and HSN bills and lawyer bills.

I will be posting things regularly. It's not like I have anything else to do. Aside from endless strategy meetings with my lawyers and practicing my 'sincere' face.

There is a "Donate" button at the top of the sidebar. You can't miss it.

Do me a favor, will you? Press it and contribute to my cause.

Don't be an asshole :)

~MB~

*This and anything else I ever post may be a complete or partial fabrication!